BENNIE Kーモノクローム BENNIE K – Monochrome

kudaranai iiwake wa
Although I don’t intend to
kuchi ni suru tsumori mo nai kedo
Make ridiculous excuses,
wakattetan da
I already knew
mitasareru hazu no nai koto wo
What there was no chance of fulfilling.

But I’m trying to fly
But I’m trying to fly
itsu no hi ka
And I feel like
nukedaseru you na ki ga shite
Some day I could break free…
sou omoitakute
And I want to believe it.
iyake no sasuko no hibi wo
Only trying to cover up
gomakasu koto bakari shite
These days that I really hate…
hashittetan da
I was running.

It’s the show time
It’s the show time,
Give it up for material girls
Give it up for material girls!
Gucci Fendi Louis Vuitton
Gucci, Fendi, Louis Vuitton,
CHANEL mo motto (I want them all)
And CHANEL too, I want more. (I want them all.)
All enryo sezu Name the price
Without holding back name the price of it all.
anta no kachi ittai don kurai?
Exactly how much are you worth?
Gucci Fendi Louis Vuitton
It’s a generation where without
Or CHANEL ga nakya
Gucci, Fendi, Louis Vuitton, or CHANEL
hakarenai jidai
you can’t measure that.

senshinkoku nihon ni umare
I was born into the developed country of Japan
kaerareru to omotta nanka uta de?
and thought I could change it with something like a song?
genjitsu to iu aranami ni utare
But then I was hit with the crazy wave called reality
wakatta no wa “jinsei kachimake” tte
And understood that life is win or lose.
yarareru mae ni yareru ka?
Can you do it before you get done in?
makeinu nara nareru ka?
If you’re the loser can you get used to it?

All day All night
All day and all night,
nande owannai
Why doesn’t it end?
jikan wa kyou mo tarinai
I don’t have enough time today, either.
tada fuan datte itande
My hearts in pain from the insecurity,
fuman ga tte dareka wo higande
And being dissatisfied I’m jealous of someone.
arittake de waratta tte
And even if I laugh with all I have
hontou wa mou wake wakannai desu
I just really don’t understand anymore.

kurai jibun wa kirai
I don’t like it when I’m down,
yuujou to ka kusai shi iranai
And something like  friendship just makes it worse, I don’t need it.
jibun no kachi sonna no shiranai
I don’t know something like my “value”,
kanjou wa mou uzai shi iranai
And feeling are just annoying, I don’t need them.

But I’m trying to fly
But I’m trying to fly
dokomade mo
As far as I can.
muchuu de oikaketa kedo
And I chased after it as hard as I could
todokanakute
But couldn’t reach it…
nasakenai jibun wo kakushite
Hiding how pitiful I really am,
itsuwaru koto bakari shite
And just lying to everyone around…
demo ienakute
But being unable to say it.

itsuka tsumuida tane
The seeds of happiness I planted one day
uso de nurikatame
Are hardened up by lies.
takaku takaku kabe
And why are the high, high walls
hatta mamoru tame
That I protected with my life
kawaita no wa naze?
All dried and cracked?
te ni shita? shiawase
But what did I get? Happiness.
mou jibun de sae
Even while I can’t
aisenai naka de
Even love myself.

owari no nai kono yami ni
In this endless darkness
donna koe de ikura naita tte
No matter how much I cried,
muda da nante kizuiteita
I had noticed how useless it was
demo tomaranain da
But I can’t stop now.

sore demo mada
And even then
itsu no hi ka
I had a feeling
jiyuu ni nareru ki ga shite
That I could be free someday…
utatterun da
And that’s why I sing.
mijime na kibun ni natta tte
And even if I feel miserable
sore sura waraitobashite
I’ll just do my best to laugh it off
mae dake wo mite
And only look forward.

A Poem I Read

He was warmin his hands with a hot coffee cup
Pourin in whiskey as I walked up he never blinked an eye
He just asked for a light, I noticed he didn’t have soles on his shoes
So I pulled out a twenty said go buy some food
But he just stared at his cup like I wasn’t there
Then he looked at me said son that’s nice
But there’s some things money can’t buy,
I want my life back, I want that house that I called home,
I want to hear her voice and see her face every day when I get off
And that man I used to be, I want my life back

Once Again: Nobody Gets It.

Nobody gets it.

I miss my friends in Japan. So bad. I thought I was fine for a while, but two days ago I got an e-mail from the guy I liked in Japan when I hadn’t gotten even a comment on my Japanese blog for a few weeks. Everything came crashing down. I miss Japan so bad.

I’m back home now. I’m dreading school so badly I’m having panic attacks over it at night. I can already tell I’m going to hate it based on the format and length and type of the summer homework assignments and what I’ve heard about high school from other people.

I already know how the teaching here works, too. It’s made to work in ways that I don’t learn, that I can’t learn. I’m already smart. I know most of the material, and can learn it all quick if I learn the right way. But with things like Cornell Notes, too much home work, and classmates who unfortunately do learn the way they’re teaching I just get looked over. Please the masses. Support the average people and leave the smart ones hanging until we eventually fall back to the level of everyone else.

I’ve never fit the mold. And I’m not some piece of clay.

Nobody will listen to me.

I want to drop out and take the GED so I can work to save up to go to college in Japan. Because, frankly, even if I work for $7~10 an hour with during-the-school-year hours (+ full time for summer) for the next 1.5 or 2.5 years I won’t have enough for even one year. But I’m not just trying to jump into it blind, oh no. But I’ll get to that in a bit.

I tried talking to my mom about it. As soon as I mentioned the GED she got upset, even though when I had been saying the same things while I was in Japan she had said I could if I wanted to. She got upset and started the “You’ll Ruin Your Life” and later the “You’re Writing Your Own Paycheck” speeches and I couldn’t get a chance to explain to her everything I’ve looked up and researched.

Like how I’ve researched things about the GED, from the percentage you need to pass and the percentage of people who do pass to the differences in being able to get a job and what sort of jobs. How I’ve researched that I can get into college in Japan with a GED. How I already know the colleges I want to apply to in Japan, and know exactly which major I want to apply for in each of those colleges. I know the scholarships I can apply for and how to get reductions on my tuition in each school. I also know all of the companies I would want to apply at for jobs during/after college in Japan.

Once again: Nobody’s listening.

I also said that I could try going to school here again for a semester, and asked that if I hated it still if I could take the GED. More nay-saying. Saying that I would go in hating it and because of that end up hating it because I wouldn’t try. I

So I’m stuck here. Dreading. Panic attack-ing. Hope of getting to go to college in Japan dying with every day.

I just have a feeling, and it’s just a feeling, that if I don’t go to college in Japan and go to some college here… that I’ll be stuck here for good. And I’ll never get to go back. Or that even if I go with the JET program I ultimately wouldn’t be able to stay.

It’s just a feeling, but… a lot of times when I get feelings like this they end up being right.

Why can’t everybody just let me do what I want for now? If I end up screwing up my whole life you can laugh in my face and say “I told you so”. I wouldn’t care then. I’d agree with you then.

With foreign exchange I worked my way through it on my own. I planned most of it out, just needed a few parental signatures, doctors visits, and other such things. The majority of it I did on my own.

I’ve gone through this as far as I can without that all important parental consent. But now I’m stuck.

It sort of sucks.

tooriame ga chikazuku machi no nioi wa setsunakute
The smell of the town as some rain was passing by is heart breaking.
asufaruto ni nokoshita kage wa itsumo to chigatte mieta
And the shadow left on the asphalt looked different than always,
kawari tsuzukeru sora wa yureru kokoro wo utsusu you ni
As if the changing sky was reflecting my shaking heart.
ashibaya ni sekai wa mawari tsuzuketeru
The world keeps spinning quickly.

aka kara ao ni kawaru shigunaru
The light changes from red to green
modoru koto no dekinai tabi no tochuu de
In the middle of this trip with no going back.
ashita wo shinjite susumitai
I want to continue forward believing in tomorrow.
kono yuudachi no naka de hitori
And even though there are times I’ll stop
furikaeri tachidomaru koto mo aru kedo
And look back in the sunset alone,
nani mo osore wa shinai
I’m not scared of anything.

ameagari no mado kara mieru yuugure no himawari
The sunflower I can see out of my window after the rain in the sunset
yuuyake ni somerarete asahi wo machitsuzukete irun da
Is dyed by the fading colors as it continues to wait for morning.
nani ga taisetsu na no ka toki ni miushinaisou dakedo
Although sometimes it seems like I might lose sight of what’s important,
yuzurenai omoi wo kakae aruite yuku
I’ll walk forward holding onto feelings I won’t give up.

azayaka na ao ni somerareta
The future dyed a brilliant blue
mirai wa hateshinai yume wo egaita
Painted an endless dream,
kawaita kokoro uruoshite
Wetting my dried out heart.
kagirareta kono toki no naka de
In this limited time
tsuyoku mune ni omoi wo kizami konda
I’ve carved my feelings into my heart strongly.
hi wa mata nobotte yuku
The sun will rise again.

kono nagai saka wo koeru toki
When I overcome this long hill,
sono saki ni nani ga mieta to shite mo
No matter what I see from there,
koukai wa shitakunai
I don’t want to regret anything
hikari tomoshi tsuzuke
And continue to shine light
ashita wo terashite
To lighten up tomorrow.

aka kara ao ni kawaru shigunaru
The light changes from red to green
modoru koto no dekinai tabi no tochuu de
In the middle of this trip with no going back.
ashita wo shinjite susumitai
I want to continue forward believing in tomorrow.

hashire hashire!
Run, run!
yume ni te wo nobasu no sa
Reach your hand out to your dreams…
sakebe sakebe!
Scream, scream!
koe ga tsuzuku kagiri
Until your voice runs out…
kokoro no kanjiru mama ni
Just as you feel like doing in your heart.

RADWIMPSー夢番地 RADWIMPS – Yume Banchi

kinou ni yume wo takuseba koukai de
If you entrust dreams to yesterday you get regret,
asu ni yume wo takuseba kibou de
And if you entrust dreams to tomorrow you get hope,
demo kyou no boku ni yume wo takushite
But if you entrust dreams to the me of today
nani ni naru no? dakara
What do you get? So…

uzukumatte tojikomotte
So I was cowering, shutting myself away
asu wo matteitan da yo
And just waiting for tomorrow.
dakedo nande asu ni natte mireba
But when it does become tomorrow
kyou ga mata hajimaru no?
Why does today begin again?

“mirai no tame ni ima ga aru” to iwaretemo
Even if I’m told “Now exists for the future”
boku wa shinjinai yo
I don’t believe it.
datte “ima” no kono boku ga
Because the me of “now”
kinou no boku no mirai
Is the future of the me of yesterday.

“ima ni amanzuru koto nakare” to iwaretemo
Even if I’m told “Don’t be content the way things are”
boku wa waraenai yo
I can’t smile at it.
datte “ima” no kono boku ga
Because the me of “now”
dareka no yume miru mirai
Is the future someone dreams of.

kanaetai yume bakari kazoete
Only counting the dreams you want to come true,
kanaeta yume wa nakinagara
The dreams that have already come true will, while crying,
kitto dokoka e
Go off somewhere.

boku wa kitto ima itsuka no yume no ue ni tatteirun da ne
Now I’m definitely living a dream that I had some day.
boku wa kitto ima dareka no yume no ue ni tatteiru
And now I’m surely living someone else’s dream.

iki wo sutte soshite haite
Take a breath and let it out,
sore dake ja yorokobenaku natte
But I’m becoming so I can’t be happy just by that.
hoshiku natte are mo kore mo
Then I start wanting that and this,
ano hito no mo dakedo dakedo
And even that person’s things, but, but…

boku ni atte kimi ni nakute
Because there are things I have that you don’t,
kimi ni atte boku ni nai mono ga aru kara
And things you have that I don’t,
boku wa kimi wo kimi wa boku wo
I became able to love you,
suki ni naretan deshou?
And you became able to love me, right?

kanaeta yume no kazu wo kazoeyou
Let’s count the number of dreams that have come true,
kanawanai yume wa dareka ga
And the dreams we can’t make true,
kitto dokoka de
Someone, somewhere will.

boku ga tatteiru koko wa kitto
Where I’m standing is surely
dareka no negatteru basho de
Where someone else wants to be.
dareka ga tatteiru basho ga kitto
And where someone else is standing is definitely
boku no nozomu basho de
Where I’ve been wishing to be.

dareka ga kitto ima boku ni totte no
Now someone is surely
yume wo kanaete kureteru
Making my dream come true.
boku mo kitto dareka ni totte no
And I’m definitely
yume wo kanaeteiru
Making someone else’s dream come true.

Let’s party, dance dance dance.
Let’s take our hands to hands to hands.
Shut up and smile so you can see how beautiful life is.
Forget about chance chance chance.
What for? Enhance hance hance
Your naked is really the best

boku wa nande tachidomatte
I wonder why I was standing still
asu wo matteitan darou?
And waiting for tomorrow?
asu wa kitto, asu wo kitto
Tomorrow, I’ll definitely
mukae ni yuku yo
Go to meet up with tomorrow.

boku wa kitto ima itsuka no yume no ue ni tatteirun da ne
Now I’m definitely living a dream that I had some day.
boku wa kitto ima dareka no yume no ue ni tatteiru
And now I’m surely living someone else’s dream.

boku wa mou kazoekirenu hodo no yume wo kanaeteirun da ne
I’ve already made countless dreams come true.
gomen ne kore kara wa ne zutto zutto issho dakara
Sorry, from now on we’ll always, always be together.

嵐ー明日の記憶 Arashi – Memories Of Tomorrow

ano hi kimi to miteita
Wanting to make the sunset
yuuyake eien ni shitakute
I saw with you that day into eternity,
kioku no naka te wo nobashite
I reach out my hands in my memories
nando mo fureyou to suru keredo
and try to get ahold of it.

onaji keshiki mo kimochi mo
But because I can’t take back the same
nido to wa torimodosenai kara
scenery or feelings a second time,
kagayaiteta kako no yume wo
I’ll end up just turning back to
furikaette shimaun darou
the shining dream that’s in the past.

massara na mirai ni sae
The sadness spills out
kanashimi ga koboredashite
even into the brand new future.
kokoro wo nijimaseru kara
But because it blurs your heart,
daremo ga tachidomari
anyone would stop there
miushinatte shimau yo
and lose sight of it all.

meguri meguru kisetsu no tochuu de
In these changing seasons
naniiro no ashita wo egakimasu ka?
What color do you draw tomorrow as?
tsuyoku tsuyoku shinjiaeta nara
If we had believed each other strongly
naniiro no mirai ga matte imasu ka?
What color would the future that’s waiting for us be?

taisetsu na omoide sae
Because even precious memories
itsuka wa iroasetteku kara
will someday start to fade,
genjitsu kara me wo sorashite
I turned my eyes away from reality
yume to iu kotoba ni nigeta
and ran away to the word called “dreams”.

kizutsuki kowareta kinou ga
Even if our broken yesterday
ayamachi datta to shitemo
was just a mistake,
teokure de wa nai kara
it’s still not too late
nando mo hajime kara
so we can just start over
yarinaoshite yukeba ii
from the beginning many times.

meguri meguru jidai no tochuu de
In these changing times
nando hito wo suki nareru no darou
I wonder how many times you can fall in love.
fukaku fukaku sasaeaeta nara
If we had supported each other completely
kimi no tame ni nani ga dekiru no darou
I wonder what I could have done for you.

kasaneatta kokoro no oku ni
In the depths of our overlapping hearts
yorokobi to kanashimi nukumori to nikushimi
Is joy and sadness, warmth and hate…
bokura ga meguriai wakachiatta hibi wa
But our meeting and the days we shared
tashika ni kono mune ni yakitsuiteru kara
are definately burned into my memories.

meguri meguru kisetsu no tochuu de
In these changing seasons
naniiro no ashita wo egakimasu ka?
What color do you draw tomorrow as?
tsuyoku tsuyoku shinjiaeta nara
If we had believed each other strongly
naniiro no mirai ga matte imasu ka?
What color would the future that’s waiting for us be?

naniiro no ashita wo egakimasu ka?
What color do you draw tomorrow as?

Back Home

Well, now I’m back in the US, so I decided to move to a different blog. It’s still connected to the old one through my WordPress account, though I thought it’d be better to seperate the blog of my time in Japan (and before that) with my life now.

Since coming back I guess a lot of stuff has happened, though it’s not really that interesting.

I’ve gone to my high school several times, arranging how my credits are going to work out and what classes I’m going to have next year. They’ve managed to get me a Math, English, and Science credit from my classes in Japan, along with several elective credits.

The councilor has also managed to get me into the e-communications Animation course at my school, though I have to be in the Sophomore level to start with. But she said that if I showed that I was above that level that they may be able to advance me.

I’ve also started taking Drivers Ed in private, so in about another week I’ll be able to get my liscence. We’ve also found some cars that seem good that I’ll be able to get.

My mom says she’ll pay the insurance until I get a job, but because of how the economy is now I can’t really get one (no matter how many of them say “Now Hiring”). I’m still applying to as many places as I can, so I hope I can find one quickly…

That’s basically my life so far once getting back. Trying to deal with the summer homework, finding a job, drivers ed, and everything else like that.

I still really miss all of my friends in Japan, since I only really have one here. Normally I’d think I just want summer vacation to be over, though I don’t really want to go back to school here either. I just want to go back to Japan and go to classes with all of my classmates there, and ride on the trains again, and go to karaoke with my friends…